Sometimes

Sometimes I miss theater so much I can't breathe. Like the old lover that broke my heart. Or that group of friends I haven't seen all together in years.

(sam and me in hamletmachine)

Sometimes I miss the empty stage. The ghost light. The sound of my shoes in an empty theater.

Sometimes I miss memorizing lines and rehearsals. Or discovering new sides of a character. Or discovering new sides of my acting partner.

Sometimes I miss my script, marked up with insights and blocking.

Sometimes I miss walking into production meetings...the ones I knew were going to drive me nuts because the director wanted something over budget.

(a production workshop meeting...clearly the heat was not on)

Sometimes I miss talking about publicity, talkbacks, and what we should produce next.

Sometimes I miss cast warmups and inside jokes. Or those moments in the dressing room.

Sometimes I miss load-ins and strikes.

Sometimes I miss box offices and ushering.

(me with the cast and director of or what she will)

Sometimes I miss the nervous knots before a show.

Sometimes I miss sneaking into the balcony to watch the last act of "Hair" again.

(the poster from a show i directed. poster made by andrew ahn)

Sometimes I miss walks home at 2am, covered in dust and paint, no work done.

Sometimes I miss being so involved.

Sometimes I want to be more than playwright.

Sometimes I want to run the place, to be an actress, to be the dramaturg, to be the light designer (though I really can't design lights), to be the one who steps onto the stage at the beginning of the show to welcome you.

(me in red herring...I played a detective. hence the fake gun)

Sometimes I want to be the playwright...as far away from an actual theater as possible.

Sometimes I miss theater so much I can't breathe.

(bunnicula...)

Sometimes I miss being able to play a cat.

Sometimes I am sure that the theater is the only place that will ever feel "so right".

Sometimes.

Lately that sometimes has been growing into the most of the time range.

 (senior year of high school, behind me is a list of shows I worked on)