Forget the MSW, MRS it is!

I had the best intentions this morning. I ran a bit, walked my dog, then went and walked a friend's dog, got to the cafe and opened my computer to get my play submission ready. Yes, I still haven't done that. Don't judge me.

But of course that didn't happen. I made the mistake of reading an article in The Economist. And I got angry. Again. "Down or out: A black male professor kicks up a storm about black women and marriage" is yet another article that seeks to solve the unmarried black woman problem. Well, it is about a book by Stanford professor Ralph Richard Banks called "Is Marriage for Everyone? How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone". This is not the first article of its kind and probably won't be the last. And my post is not the first response, and probably won't be the last.

It basically describes the world we live in. Black women are kicking some major ass, or at least trying to. Graduating college, going to grad school, getting better jobs...we are ending up in the middle class while too many black men are being arrested, not finishing school, etc. Of course that is a whole other complicated issue (and one that needs addressing...), but basically these articles show black women kicking major ass and black men not able to keep up.

This leads to many a black single woman. There have been articles that basically blame our singledom on being too picky and not marrying men who may not be in our class/educational level/whatever level (this article does highlight other issues too, but in the end, it leaves you believing that marriage is the end-all, be-all), there have been articles that basically blame our singledom on not marrying out of our race (or not being valued in the marriage market), and there have been articles that don't highlight our singledom but highlight our "unattractiveness" (this article discusses the study which came to this conclusion that was originally posted on the Psychology Today website), which may have something to do with why we are single.

The articles, like the one in The Economist, then go on to say that black women are one sad single bunch who better open our eyes to the beauty of marriage outside of black race or outside our class. The article assumes that most black women are refusing to do this and this is the cause of not only our problems, but the problems with the black family.

I find this argument to be so frustrating. Back in the 1960s, Daniel Patrick Moynihan wrote "The Negro Family: The Case for National Action" nicknamed The Moynihan Report. The major argument in that piece was that the structure of the black family was the reason black families had not reached the success of white families. One major feature of the black family: matriarchy. Households were often woman-led and these black mothers pushed their black daughters, not their black sons, etc. So then we were the problem because we were leading the households. So we learned that we should stand behind our sons and husbands. Cool. Now we learn that we, because black women are the only ones making decisions in relationships, are to search for mates, any mate really (you don't have to stand behind your black man anymore...), because its our fault that we aren't getting married. Again, black women were to blame. So the predicament has changed slightly, but, in essence, it is the same. There is a problem with the black family and black women will make or break it. (Not for nothing, my mother was never married. My father was and continues to be an important and regular presence in my life, but he was never married to my mother. I'm a bastard, illegitimate, but I'm pretty okay. I'm just as messed up as my friends who grew up in two-parent households...just sayin'.)

I'm sorry. I kind of thought that marriage was a two-way street. Shouldn't two people be involved in the decision to date or get married? When did it just become my decision? Aren't families made up of several people? Why do I make or break its success? Am I suppose to make the decisions or let my husband do it? I'm confused.

Also, why do I need to read this article over and over again in different forms? Why does Steve Harvey get to be an expert? Why can't I just live my life as a black woman and see how the chips fall? Also, do these articles acknowledge the black lesbian women?

I have dated black men, biracial men, and white men...ever since middle school. I have dated guys who have my level of education and those that haven't. I have received no marriage proposals, but maybe that is my fault...was I supposed to get down on one knee and ask? Or would that set a more matriarchal household in motion? I know I am not the everyblackwoman, but these articles assume that black women are basically all the same and black families are basically all the same so why should I do anything differently?

I am not alone in my frustration. SharkFu has a good response that even makes reference to the Hottentot Venus (which should be familiar to those of you who sat through my thesis presentation in college).

I think articles like this also help hide other issues. Like the black infant mortality rate. Did you know that even if I am able to con some guy into marrying me, that my baby basically has more of a chance at dying than my white friend's baby even though we may have the same education level, live down the block from each other and go to the same OB/GYN? Yeah. But I suppose that may be my fault too...

And now I will edit that play. So it will be published and produced somewhere...
And then next semester I will go back to class and so I can get my second master's degree...
Which will make me more successful and therefore even more likely to die alone.
With a dog.