Trust

On Monday evening I received feedback from one of my writing buddies. Being me, I didn't look at all of the notes until the next morning. As I read through them, I realized that one of my big issues is trust.

I don't trust my gut.

I have an instinct to set the play near the ocean. Instead of writing "this play is set near the ocean", I write "this play is set anywhere. maybe near the ocean". Part of me writes that because I like to give directors room to play. Part of me writes that because I am not sure it is necessary to set it near the ocean. Most likely though, I am writing it because I am afraid it is stupid to set it near the ocean. Instead of trusting my gut instinct which tells me this play is near the ocean, I question it. I deny it or, rather, I follow it only halfheartedly.

My writing buddy noticed other moments when I was holding back. She may not have written, "trust your gut" in those instances, but I know that my holding back is a symptom of not trusting myself.

Of course this is larger than writing. I have a funny relationship with my instincts in life. I trust my instincts about what book to read, but don't trust my instincts about what I want to do on a Friday night. In general, I give others the benefit of the doubt, trusting their instincts over mine. Is this a serious problem? Not really, but when you are trying to develop your own voice as a writer, it becomes a pretty big one.

I have to trust my gut so that I write something that sounds like me and not someone else.

Since I read through my friend's feedback, I've felt, well, empowered to just write. It is as though she gave me permission to trust my gut. She basically told me I had no other choice. Should she have to say that? No, but sometimes we need others to tell us the most obvious things.

Who knows if what I am writing and changing is right or wrong, good or bad...it is my instinct and, let me tell you, editing my play has been a lot more fun the past two days than all of last week.

And it has been a lot more productive.