Shy

I read your blog today.

A friend of mine told me while we were talking this afternoon. I immediately cringed.

You're not supposed to do that.

He proceeded to point out that I had posted it on Gchat. If I didn't want people to read it, I shouldn't have posted it there.

Touché.

Of course I want people to read this blog. That is, after all, a major reason why people blog--to be read by friends, family, and/or strangers.

Being a writer is not just about writing. It is about sharing what you have written (though I know some writing is personal...some writing is only shared with yourself and the pen and paper [or computer, phone, tablet, paintbrush...] you are using to write). It is about sharing an idea, a story, a character, a complaint with others. As a writer, I want my work to be read by as many people as possible except that I am terrified to have people read my work. Hence the reaction above.

I am a shy writer. I am scared that I am not a good writer. I am scared that people hate my work. I am scared that this is a ridiculous dream. That I have no talent. None. Zero. Zilch. So when I usually let people read my work, it is when I am far away from them. I don't want to see them read, see their faces as they read...or hear anything about it. Not because I don't respect their opinion, but because I am scared, shy, embarrassed, and want so badly to share my stories and have people like them. I really want to have this moment.

This will pose an interesting problem as I move ahead this year. I have two writing buddies now (upgrade!) and an old friend who offered to read my work whenever I needed an outside eye to look it over. Three people I hold near and dear will read my work. This makes me want to crawl up into a ball and hide, but I know I have to do it. This will help me get better. This will help me gain confidence This will help me stand up tall and say, "Hey, I am a writer. A fucking good one too".

In due time.

Posting the blog on Gchat or Facebook allows me to share some work without actually having to have that moment of contact. Having people ask me about the blog, mention the blog, or, as my friend did to today, quote posts back to me are side effects I foolishly forgot about and hopefully will get comfortable with quickly. Because, truth be told, I love talking about my work with friends and strangers. I loved it when my friend said he had read my blog...

I just also wanted to hide.